Detaching

UPDATE: Sometimes all it takes is a heartfelt "I love you" to remind me what I'm doing in this relationship :)


I've been in a long distance relationship for just about three years. The same length of time I've been with the bf. He was wary going in - having been burned in a prior long distance relationship - while i dove in naively. I did o.k. the first year. I was back at grad school, busy with work and friends, and getting used to the whole idea of relationships. My track record up to that point was lots of fun, not too much commitment, so having distance was a blessing rather than a curse.

The next year was a bit harder. I was finishing grad school but many of my friends had graduated. Plus I was settling into the relationship and we were seeing each other pretty much weekly. So the two- and three-week stretches without seeing each other were harder. But still all o.k. - I still enjoyed having my "me" time.

Fast forward to this year. It's not that I don't like "me" time. In fact, right now, as I'm watching Jon and Kate plus 8, I'm relishing my alone time. (The bf isn't very into Jon and Kate no matter how much I try.) But seriously, this year has been hard. I have cried more than I think I ever have. And I hate crying in front of people - HATE it. But each weekend saying goodbye I become Waterworks Girl again.

The last weekend we spent together was the worst - we were entering three weeks apart, and knowing we were going that long was hard. Plus the bf insisted on playing these sad songs on his keyboard. Which just made me sadder. And MAD. I need to repress those emotions and detach from them, not dive into them and indulge them.

Well I've detached. In the third week, fifteen days in, I'm back to being my old self. I'm basically like "whatever." When we're on the phone I'm like "O.k. bye." And it doesn't help when he needs to have serious talks b/c in my "whatever" state, I have a hard time listening (or caring) that he feels hurt or lonely or whatever. Honestly, I should feel bad but really, it's just self-preservation. I'm already anxious enough - I think my mind/heart/subconscious realize that this could be what pushes me over the edge.

Maybe I need new coping strategies...