When it Rains it Pours These Days

So not only am I now fighting my landlord, but also my computer died Thursday night. Took it into work yesterday and the awesome Tech guy looked at it, shook his head and told me I could ask someone to fix it but it would probably make more sense to get a new one. The Dell guy echoed that this morning, and the Geek Squad guy was like no way is it worth it to fix this. The upside? New Gateway computer, no more slow old computer. I buy it and take it home.

And the rain comes down in sheets...
I go to turn it on and it seems odd, but I persist. Fifteen minutes later I think ok something is definitely wrong. I try to troubleshoot with Gateway. The woman on the other end is angry, mean, nasty, and apparently deaf, making it a rough convo. Bottom line? It would be "prudent" to return it. Half hour back to the store and more waiting, but they were helpful and set it all up for me. So I'm back!

And the winds start blowing...
I get home and the internet is crapping out. I call the internet provider and sort that out in half an hour or so. The router is locking this computer out, and of course I can't remember any of the password info I gave it a few months ago. Awesome!

And the hurricane is full-force...
My brother needs back surgery. Risks include nerve damage, paralysis, infections, etc. He's in massive pain though, which, for a 23-year-old is just absurd! Keep him in your prayers :(

What's that old saying?

Is it "There's no combination more dangerous than stupid and arrogant"? Or something to that effect?

That is my landlord. Just as I started to get onto a posting roll, I may drop off a bit while I deal with him and his insanity. Honestly, I want to wear a colander covered in tin foil and tell him "They're coooommmmming." What a bleephead.

Looking Back

Looking back on my post yesterday, I realize that I was a bit more worked up than perhaps the situation warranted... just maybe :) I don't know why, but today I've felt very at peace with the world. Controlling, Type-A Moi? Indeed! I was running late for a train this evening after a long day and as I hurried along with that gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach, I suddenly thought "What's the worst that could happen? What's the worst that could happen if I miss this train? I wait an hour for the next one." Normally, this would be enough to send me scampering, but not today. I just thought "Okay."

Earlier in the day, I had found myself looking back on the last few years. Over all my struggles in grad school and since I graduated, over all the promises I made to myself and all the ones I've broken. And I suddenly smiled. I had this thought that "Oh my gosh, I've DONE it. I finished grad school, found a good job, and have been working successfully." This freed my mind to draw the following conclusion: even if I quit tomorrow, I've still done what I set out to do with grad school. So what if it wasn't "The One" career-wise... I've persevered and have not let myself down.

Maybe my zen moment with the train makes more sense now :) I hope my mind can keep this going!


UPDATE: I just realized that I was also more zen about stomach bugs earlier today. I hate, hate, HATE throwing up, and have long been afraid of going anywhere near anyone who is or may be sick. I'm the girl who feels sick when she sees someone throwing up on the side of the highway or hears a stranger throwing up in a public bathroom, and don't even get me started about the ER!! Gag! But today, I calmly dealt with spending a bunch of time with a coworker who then disclosed to me that his daughter had thrown up on him yesterday. Gross! But I'll be ok. Besides, I'll have to deal with it some day in the future - unless I plan on having kids who somehow can't/don't throw up. Hmmm... if only!

OMG. Worst. Shopping. Trip. Ever.

So I head out on my way to get my only-semi-crunchy-hat-obsession, preparing to drive 20 or so miles to get to the closest EMS. I'm driving along and I see a cop so I make sure I am not speeding. 40, perfect. Relax and drive. About 10 seconds later the cop pulls out, speeds up behind me and pulls me over. Normally, when a cop pulls me over I freak out - I'm usually speeding or whatnot - because I know he "caught" me. Not this time. I immediately pull over, roll down my window, and impatiently wait for him to do whatever he's doing, so that as soon as he's in earshot I can ask "I'm sorry officer, WHAT did you pull me over for???" His answer: "I saw you on your cell phone." Me: "WHAT????"

Now, I won't lie and say I've never been on my cellphone in the car since the law banning that has been passed. I have a headset but sometimes get on the phone quickly on speaker to check in with someone. But this time I HAD. NOT. BEEN. ON. THE. PHONE. So unfair! So I tell him this very clearly, and he asks for my license and registration, etc. I ask if he wants my insurance too. He says sure. At this point I'm really mad - and shaky, because it's still scary even though I knew I'd done nothing wrong - and I again say "Sir, I WAS NOT on the phone. I swear!" Then he does something abhorrent.

HE WINKS. Winks at me, smiles, and says, "We'll I'll let you off this time." Winks, as if he's doing me a favor, as if we're friends or something. UGH. GROSS.

I end up driving off, calling my boyfriend to freak out and getting more and more worked up. I know my shopping won't go well if I'm this upset, so I get BF to give me the Police Department phone number. I call and speak to the dispatcher - end result? She tells me I have a verbal warning because I "must have proven to him that I wasn't doing what he thought I was." So I'm like great, now I wasn't doing it and it's still in the computer record when they pull me up! The dispatcher assured me no one will see it but I don't know... anyone have experience/knowledge on that front?

Anyway, on to the rest of the shopping trip. I get to EMS, beeline for the hat (hatS actually, because I loved another too), try it on, and it is PERFECT. I had been worried it would itch but it was the coziest, comfiest thing ever. I take it to the register and it rings up as FORTY DOLLARS. Now that is the list price but the online price was less than half of that. And the other one is THIRTY. I get all upset again and leave. I come home (reverse that good ol' 20mile trip) and log on to ems.com, and of course it says "ONLINE ONLY" now. My bad.

So two bad things, one my fault the other SO NOT. Off to run this off - or walk if my lungs are protesting too much...

I guess it runs in the family

My dad has a huge family: 9 sibs, their spouses, kids, and grandchildren. Since they are literally scattered across the country (from Boston to Denver to El Paso) we never saw them much growing up. Without two family reunions when I was thirteen and fifteen, I would never have met many of them. But apparently, similarities run in the family.

The obsessions with flamingos and Aruba and crossword puzzles are just the beginning for me and one of my aunts. In the midst of my uncertainty about the future, with all the swirling anxieties I've been feeling and the lonliness of wondering if anyone else feels the same, my aunt apparently went through the exact same thing a few decades ago. She was a college grad who went straight through law school, passed the bar, and started at a firm. And shortly into her career, she began questioning if this was the life for her. Apparently her "moment" was a sit-down with partners where they spoke of the future, about how they think, and about the thinking they wanted to see in their fellow partners. And her thoughts, as those old men droned on across the table, concluded that she did not think the way those partners did nor did she ever want to. She left and went to work for a non-profit women's organization for which she had been volunteering.

Having not seen these women - my aunts and my grandma - since I was fifteen or so, I can't pretend there wasn't any awkwardness when I first showed up at their house. We chatted for several hours and had lunch, but it was all polite chitchat. Then my dad showed up and one aunt and my grandma headed off to Mass with him. I was feeling awkward and said my goodbyes, thinking I would just get on the road, rather than have to make small talk with Aunt Nan for the next hour or so. But suddenly, the crew was banging back in the door after church, and we were shocked to realize over two hours had passed.

I had to leave shortly after to get back to my home before I got too tired. (10 is stretching it for me on the driving these days; I have NO idea how I used to drive back from law school from like 8 pm to 3am!) But Nan gave me an open invitation to chat anytime - and I really want to take her up on it. But I feel slightly odd about it. It's like making friends with an Aunt. Who's 30 years or so older. I know she's family - and believe me she and her sister are SO welcoming - but it still feels a little off to be forging a relationship.

I thought I remembered a quote along the lines of: "change is uncomfortable" or "new growth only comes from taking risks/feeling adrift/etc." It drove me crazy so I finally went to search for it and didn't find the exact quote but found some good ones.

Close to what I was thinking, but with a slightly more history-buff slant: "Those who expect moments of change to be comfortable and free of conflict have not learned their history."

For the broader life lesson reminding me why change is good: "If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we are not really living."

And I really like this one: "Your current safe boundaries were once unknown frontiers."

I'm off to buy a cozy, slightly-crunchy hat I fell in love with - probably part of my new simpler-life obsession... Have a great Sunday!

TGIF

or S I guess by now. Another week down, and man, those four days did NOT feel like a short week. Maybe it's just because my boss was leaving on maternity leave yesterday afternoon, but the entire week had the feeling of a fire drill - practicing and prepping for holding down the fort (with help of course) on my 5 months of work experience.

It's funny. I've always enjoyed interviewing. Maybe it's the time I spent growing up in one of "those" Connecticut towns, but somehow, the game of the interview intrigues me. The side effect of this enjoyment is that I get really into the interviews, and get myself believing everything I say. You want responsibility early? Yep! Sure! Where do I sign?

But do I? Sometimes I enjoy speaking to clients and doing front-line work, etc. Other times I wish I was hidden in a cube in some ginormous office in New York, working in obscurity with (relatively) not a care in the world. Responsibility, it's such a weight!

Right now I get ample time to reflect on all this and my future (my new, or not so new, favorite hobby). I have a four hour drive to Boston to see my grandmother for the afternoon. Yes, it sounds crazy to do an 8-hour trip to see her for a few hours. But it sure beats a day trip to New Mexico, right?!?

Beating the blues and my brown thumb.

Around this time of year, I usually have a hard time remembering that the days are getting longer. Instead, I tend to focus on the half-empty side of the sun that I don't see all that much for these few months.

I grumble when I rise before it's light, stumbling to find my alarm and get a light on before inertia wins and I flop back into bed and pass out again. I turn on only a few lights on my way into the kitchen, where on good days I find joy in the stark winter sunrise out my kitchen window. I walk to catch the train - an effort to absorb any glimmers of hope I can - before shutting myself in my florescent office for the rest of the daylight.

Now this is not to say I don't see the sun at all after I arrive at work. I am lucky enough to have large windows in my office. And I see the sun directly for approximately 48 minutes each morning as it crosses between two buildings and shines in my window - rendering my computer screen invisible, usually around the time I have to answer a question for a client or a partner. But then the shadows descend again and I crank up my heater to combat the sudden chill in the air.

By the time I lace up my boots to begin the trek home, the sun is long gone, and with it the last traces of warmth from the air. These are the times when, returning to my house, I am ever more thankful for the signs of life in my house - the plants and flowers that help me beat back the darkness and the winter blues.


Note: Plants are one area in which my Martha skills are sorely lacking. As someone with a so-called "brown thumb," I am always eager to hear tips for plant successes, so please, tip away!

21

No, that is not or the number of pairs of shoes I own (that number is greater, I must confess). Nor is it the number of shots I did on that birthday (that number is fewer, thankfully, though I came close) - my, how old I feel now! No, 21 is the number of new projects I was put on today.

Now, it isn't unusual for me to be on 21 matters at a time. That, or more, is normal for my chosen career. But it is mindblowing to receive 21 new ones in one day - actually, within 30 seconds of opening my email account this morning. Mindblowing in an erase-the-long-weekend way. Mindblowing in a put-my-head-in-my-hands way. Mindblowing in a way that makes me wonder if I should just head for the exits now. Incidentally, as we all gathered in a conference room to watch the Inauguration at midday, I found Obama's words spurring me on to quit, to seek a life with greater purpose, to seek a life doing greater good.

However, rather than poetically leaving the glass conference room in a bold statement of Change!, I simply returned to my desk to start practicing my juggling, since it will take a great deal of agility to keep these balls in the air for the next three months until my boss comes back from maternity leave. This is my same boss who doesn't even want to go out on leave and keeps moaning about how bored she'll be and how she feels useless staying at home. I'll save THAT for another day when I have a less desperate need for a homemade brownie sundae...