Learning

So apparently I haven't posted in over a week. And I don't really have an excuse. I could say that life got in the way, but everyone else seems to manage - and not just manage, but continually write new, witty, inspiring posts daily - so I doubt that will fly :) I must say though, I am learning the hard way that having a blog is oh-so-different from reading blogs, and I am impressed with all you ladies out there who juggle jobs, friends, families, and write posts regularly. Do y'all sleep??

Seriously though, it's been a crazy week and a half:

- Work. With my boss out on maternity leave, work was a bit quieter for the first couple of weeks since all the incoming projects went to people in a different office first (I'm the only one in my group in my particular office) and then trickled back my way. Not so as of last week when clients apparently realized they can just call ME with their questions. Which is a total trip - people are calling ME to get answers. People think I have answers. Wow. And even scarier, I DO have some answers. Of course, I run them by the powers-that-be before giving them out, but I have been able to help a couple of clients solve a couple of problems.

- Friends. Have you ever decided that you miss friends from high school/college/grad school/summer camp/random summer job? I decided that this week. It may have had something to do with the hours I spent driving and listening to good music (and yes, getting paid to do it since it is for work)... but whatever the reason, I've gotten back in touch with several people in the last week, and had several hours of much-needed catch-up conversations. Luckily no one has had a kid since we last spoke, but one friend could have... she's had a bf for 9 months that I didn't know about! I also had a trip up to NYC and a Tapas party. (I will have to post the recipe for TexMex Pizza Bites Bf and I invented at the last minute.)

- Cooking. I decided to channel my inner Martha again (she's been hiding since I started work) and made a special dinner for Bf to enjoy when he got in on Friday. 3 hours on Thursday night and I had myself some Mexican Lasagna, a recipe from Pioneer Woman. (I can't find it right now or I would link it - sorry! It is amazing and shouldn't take that long - I'm just slow and picked a long-cooking rice - and if you want the recipe, let me know and I'll keep looking for it!)

- Cleaning. Yes, this is a recurring item, and every other week the entire mess seems to have grown back. I have the loaves and fishes of clothes and magazines. So I spend several hours each time before Bf comes home, cleaning/sorting/throwing out.

- Lounging. You may laugh, but this is an important item. Since Bf and I are long distance, we try for a bit of "normal life" when we're together. Rather than making our weekends "special" we often leave unplanned time to just lie around the house and cuddle - it's a special feeling with nothing hurrying us because our entire relationship is lived in hurried segments "visit" and "between visit" etc. Of course we did find time to indulge in a rainy afternoon at a gourmet chocolate shop. Truffle crispy fries, spiced Mexican hot chocolate, and a chocolate-coated-brownie ice cream sundae. Yes, we split it all :) And yes, I was worried I would have to roll home after.

- Clothes shopping. Put on a few pounds over the holidays and rather than fretting (I'd lost a lot of weight last summer while studying) I just decided to treat myself to some new work clothes. And cute PJs :)

- Last but not least, I found my Dream House. I told BF that I need it - not want it, but need it. I even told him I think it will cure my hives. (My hives continue to keep me busy too, but I'll save that for another post.)

So hopefully this counts as at least a semi-excuse, and I'll keep making an effort to post in the future!

Busy Week!

It's been a bit crazy the past week. First came the work stress - a sudden influx of new projects plus an accounting error (I found out it was an error today after stressing for a week) that made it look like I hadn't done any work recently. Then there was cleaning/packing the apartment (I decided to start rotating winter and summer clothes, and packing the off-season clothes away since even a walk-in closet doesn't seem to fit my clothes anymore). Add a couple of meetings for various organizations, and there was little time at night to play on the internet or to string together coherent thoughts.

Then this weekend, I was computer- and internet-free. Bf and I unplugged and took off to enjoy Valentine's Day just the two of us. We found a resort a couple of years ago (were sent there for an event by chance) and fell in love with it. We planned a vacation there just about this time last year, and had been meaning to go back ever since but hadn't gotten around to it. Well, it turned out perfectly. Spending Valentine's Day at an old-fashioned country-club type resort was pure bliss. The resort is in southern New Jersey, close to both Atlantic City and Cape May (it's just about an hour from Philly so it's an easy weekend trip). We spent time touring both quiet, sleepy Cape May and the not-so-quiet, but winter-off-season-sleepy Atlantic City. We also checked out some local restaurants, none of which were "perfect" like the places I used to think were important on V-day, but all of which were perfect for us. Not to sound totally cheesy - and 3-years-ago-Ellie is cringing as I say this - but any place is perfect when it's us. It really is just being with Bf that makes moments and memories.


Our happy place:

Slowly peeling off a BandAid

This weekend was great. Just like every weekend I spend with Bf. Despite my anxiety and short temper and fighting. Once again we're back to our pattern of serious fights we get in. Or that I get in... I am planning a major move with this man and discussing our future together, yet I also feel like just telling him I need a break, or just running away - or apparently being so witchy to him that I'll drive him away.

But somehow, thankfully, he can't be driven away. Even when I freak out and slam the bedroom door when he and his friend who is staying over that night say goodnight. Even when I pick a fight with him about Sunday morning pancakes. Who does that? But he just lets it go, gives me space when I push him away (yes both figuratively and literally), and comes to me with a huge hug as soon as I'm ok to see him without growling/shrieking.

Is my heart or my gut sending me a message that I'm just ignoring since Bf is so awesome? Am I simply not ready for this? Am I just a scaredy-pants?

I told him we are in a relationship that's the equivalent of slowly peeling off a BandAid, hair by hair. I don't deal well with change and rather than just ripping the BandAid off - jumping in - we're moving slowly and cautiously, giving my overactive worrying side plenty of time to work itself into a frenzy.

(In other news, we've made Stage 1 of the list! Crazy to think I may be in any one of a variety of places next year! I have to say, as much as I hated the distance from "home" when I was there, I'm silently rooting for my Grad School town!)

6:52

I have no idea why 6:52 has become my body's magic time. However, once again I shot wide awake at 6:52 this morning. And immediately knew this was not a morning I would be falling back asleep. Bf is still in bed, breathing heavily, and I'm out in the living room trying to figure out what to do until my car appointment in an hour.

Yesterday my car had an "issue" as we like to call them. It's an older-model Jeep, and has recently (for the last two years) been complaining about it's age. Nothing big. Just clunking around on sudden flat tires, emitting strange smells, refusing to start and needing a new battery, refusing to start and needing a new starter, refusing to start and.... you get the idea, and of course the time it started billowing smoke (which I was unaware of when I went to pick up my best friend, until she started waving frantically and screaming "Get! Out! Now!"). So we have an exciting history and yesterday was no exception. I was out in the boonies of my state and when I went to get in my car after my meetings, I noticed there was something hanging off the bottom and practically dragging on the ground. Hmmm, I thought, that doesn't look good. But being me, I quickly went to the most rustic looking gas station around, where they actually had a mechanic rather than just a Quick-E-Mart type guy, asked him if it was safe to drive home, and promptly called my home garage an hour away to make an appointment. I guess I'm just a creature of habit! After that, I made a beeline for home, of course heading out through country with no cell reception and few cars.

Anyway, clearly I'm fine and the car is still in one (almost one) piece. I hope y'all have a good weekend!

Lazy morning kicking off a fun weekend!

This morning I am working off-site for a few hours, starting at 10:30. The office is the opposite direction from my house from this site so to save time, I'm "working from home." Or maybe actually doing some work from home for the next hour until I pile into the car.

It was glorious to wake up at 7:45 - normally that's a weekend for me! My eyes opened at 6:52 as they do every weekday morning (yes I know that's random) and I had to coax my body back to sleep until the alarm went off almost an hour later. A few minutes of prayer relaxed me enough that I slipped back asleep easily.

Since I've been up I've already cleaned the kitchen - at least as solid a job as I could do in 30 min. Bf is coming home tonight and I didn't want it to look as though I've been totally messy the past two weeks. I have, of course, but he doesn't need to know that :) He actually loves me in spite of my messes - papers usually - and has, on several occasions, set to organizing them for me. Love him!

So that's my weekend plan. Hang with Bf, relax, see some friends, do our usual pancake/crossword breakfast tradition. Pure bliss :) That and get a new key, for several hundred dollars, for the 1900 front door with one of those "skeleton" keys that Bf lost at the stadium before we watched the Giants kick the Panthers' butts! Oh well, it can't all be fun!

Have a wonderful Friday!

One of those days

There are a million things I need to do tonight. And I don't feel like doing any of them. Tonight for some reason I'm just in need of cozying up in my pjs, vegging out in front of HGTV, reading, and eating some yogurt and honey. Yes that's an odd late-night snack, but I'm trying to cut out sugar from my diet because it got crazy over the holidays and because I've put on more than a few pounds since September. But on nights like tonight, when it's about 10 degrees out and I'm home alone, it's hard to resist the hot chocolate/vanilla ice cream snack I love so much. I wish I was home alone here:


There's something so perfectly farmhouse-ly cozy about that kitchen. I saw it online and am saving it away for the day in my future when I can afford a house!


On a side note, when I started this blog, I had no idea what I was getting into. But the more I wrote and started looking around at other blogs, the more I like it. I don't have a certain theme, but I'm just being me, the way so many of y'all are. It's amazing to see how many people out there have been doing this for years and doing it seriously. It's quite a community!

I think I need to "recover" from my education.

UPDATE: Sorry this is so long! If you don't have time/patience to read it all, please please go to the end and comment! It's for a good cause :) We are making "The List" this weekend!


My bro graduated last year and has not figured out what he wants to do with his life. In an effort to help him figure it out - and while he is in the midst of applying to the same grad program I recently completed - my mom bought him this book called "The Element" by Ken Robinson. Apparently she heard the author speak at a local art museum and found his discussion of how people are funneled into one type of learning, at the expense of creativity, quite fascinating (she's an art teacher and into all the creative stuff).

My mom is always trying to "help" everything so I was a bit skeptical when she said I could take it home because my bro wouldn't get to it for a while. But she persisted and - as I am after all in the midst of a huge re-discovery/self-actualization/figuring-out-what-I-want-from-life period - I picked it up last night. And I. Love. It.

The author talks about success stories of people like Mick Fleetwood, Matt Groening and other famous people who did not have stellar careers in school. It took them until after school to figure out their passions and start succeeding and even excelling. My favorite line: "Most of them didn't really discover what they could do -- and who they really were -- until they'd left school and recovered from their education." Recovered from their education. Love it.

And it definitely resonates with me. It's like my "escalator" story. As I did well in school, I kept getting pushed higher and higher, but only along one track (with one destination - a tiny handful of "elite" professions) with no option to jump onto a different "alternative" path in life. This book is instilling hope in me. Hope that I can find my true passion and not "settle" for a career (just as I would never settle for a guy). Hope that I can start anew even after all my specialized schooling. Hope that I can tap into a long-hidden (and creative!?) part of myself that hopefully still is aflicker with a bit of life.

Recently I've been getting excited about the future for the first time in a while. (Probably for the first time since I was six and still wanted to be a horse trainer!) Perhaps because I finally am starting to feel free. For so long I have known almost exactly where I would end up. Suddenly, once I discovered the option, and found the courage, to look away from my "chosen" career, a whole slew of possibilities has opened. I could be a graphic designer! (Yes, I know that requires some artistic background...) I could be a writer! A landscape architect! A realtor. A social worker. And the list goes on. It's good times being me :)

The whole problem with my landlord/impending possibility of eviction is another freeing thing. I know that sounds crazy but this house has been stressful for me with this crazy landlord. If he wants to try to evict me because I reported him for violating a law, fine. I'm not going to roll over because he's just royally pissed me off, but getting out of here 5-6 months early is very freeing! So maybe I won't try too hard to keep the place ;)

This all frees me up to move somewhere else - anywhere else - in the country. The bf is about to finish his grad program and he knows exactly what he wants to do. He has known since he was like three. He just has to find the right job. So location may need to be flexible. And I'm fine with that. If I'm leaving my job, it may make it easier if I'm moving elsewhere... easier explanation when I give my notice. And I get to - and have to - figure out my new career. Exciting!

We've set an 8-hour radius from the New York area as our primary target. But we are willing to consider places ouside that range if they're extra special. For exampe, Denver may be on the list. We're obsessed with a few places, but those will remain a secret for right now :) I want to know, what are good places to live? If you had life laid out before you and could pick anywhere, would you pick where you are? Somewhere you've visited or have friends? Somewhere you used to live? I'd love to consider new places so please comment!

Detaching

UPDATE: Sometimes all it takes is a heartfelt "I love you" to remind me what I'm doing in this relationship :)


I've been in a long distance relationship for just about three years. The same length of time I've been with the bf. He was wary going in - having been burned in a prior long distance relationship - while i dove in naively. I did o.k. the first year. I was back at grad school, busy with work and friends, and getting used to the whole idea of relationships. My track record up to that point was lots of fun, not too much commitment, so having distance was a blessing rather than a curse.

The next year was a bit harder. I was finishing grad school but many of my friends had graduated. Plus I was settling into the relationship and we were seeing each other pretty much weekly. So the two- and three-week stretches without seeing each other were harder. But still all o.k. - I still enjoyed having my "me" time.

Fast forward to this year. It's not that I don't like "me" time. In fact, right now, as I'm watching Jon and Kate plus 8, I'm relishing my alone time. (The bf isn't very into Jon and Kate no matter how much I try.) But seriously, this year has been hard. I have cried more than I think I ever have. And I hate crying in front of people - HATE it. But each weekend saying goodbye I become Waterworks Girl again.

The last weekend we spent together was the worst - we were entering three weeks apart, and knowing we were going that long was hard. Plus the bf insisted on playing these sad songs on his keyboard. Which just made me sadder. And MAD. I need to repress those emotions and detach from them, not dive into them and indulge them.

Well I've detached. In the third week, fifteen days in, I'm back to being my old self. I'm basically like "whatever." When we're on the phone I'm like "O.k. bye." And it doesn't help when he needs to have serious talks b/c in my "whatever" state, I have a hard time listening (or caring) that he feels hurt or lonely or whatever. Honestly, I should feel bad but really, it's just self-preservation. I'm already anxious enough - I think my mind/heart/subconscious realize that this could be what pushes me over the edge.

Maybe I need new coping strategies...